It takes one moment. One reaction. To alter decisions. To change the course of a life forever. To throw it into total chaos.
For one, I probably need a break from binging Dark on Netflix, but I can’t deny the perspective it gives on what our lives mean and what it means to wisely use the time we’re given to exist on this planet. If I could time travel, I’d probably constantly travel to either nap time or the time when it’s acceptable to open a bottle of wine and have a classy excuse to eat an entire block of cheese.
A few months back, the course of my life changed for good. I had the picket fence and the big plans were all in place for the start of a life most people spend their entire lives dreaming of and wishing for. The house. The dog. The family. The happy ending. What was meant to be this dream warped into something completely different and somehow my dog and I found ourselves sitting alone in the middle of a field watching the wind circle over the weeds. Not knowing what next or where to even begin.
It’s a deep well – starting over. We give so much of ourselves to build towards mutual dreams and protect each other that it sometimes happens that we lose sight of who we are innately. You’re expected to make sacrifices for the greater good. You’re expected to act in a certain way and have certain ideals because that’s just what society expects. Or at least that’s what those you surround yourself with expect. It’s how we’re shaped in order to be accepted. In this circle, you’re this person or the circle will close without you in it.
So why is it that it takes us so long sometimes to realise that we’re losing that innate self? That we’re not the self we truly are but rather the one we’re expected to be? What does it take to solidify ideals so strongly that no love or hate or expectation can break it? How much strength is required and what do you do when you find you don’t have enough of it?
Then again, there’s the other side of the story. I’ve never thought it acceptable for any human to, throughout their life, be the same person. If you’re not constantly working to grow or evolve then you’re pretty much just existing, right? You’re following some pre-ordained path where you never allow yourself to grow or learn exciting new things about yourself because you’re either too scared or too ignorant to enter the kind of uncertainty that allows this growth.
You’re too comfortable.
What I’m asking then is… how do you ever know who you really are and what you really want for your life if you’re trying so hard to be true to your real self yet simultaneously working so hard at becoming someone stronger and more enlightened than you were this morning?
I guess I can honestly say I still don’t have a fucking clue.
But what I do know is that questioning the self you embody and the future you’re building is never worth sitting in the middle of a field feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s been a wild ride. But in the words of Rupi Kaur: “A howling escaped me. Who knew girl could become beast.” No-one is going to save you in this life. Either you learn to hunt for yourself, or you’ll serve as food for the others.
Love yourself. And love yourself enough to put yourself first and allow that jump straight into the chaos. Because soon enough you’ll find it’s only in the chaos that you really find your truth.